Operation Taco
by 18wanda
Summary: The penguins go to Taco Gringo to lunch only to find that Skipper's taco is capable of being more than just a meal! Hilariously funny!
1. Chapter 1: To Taco Gringo

Operation Taco

Part 1

The penguins are starving and decide to find a place to take a load off and eat some lunch. The only problem is where to go. They debate amongst themselves for disagreement is commo when it comes to lunch.

Private: We should go to IHop. They have the best pancakes with strawberries on top!

Kowalski: That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard. The fat levels in the pancake batter does ot compute with the syrup mixture-

Rico: nuh uh. Fish?

Skipper: Bobkis! What is the matter with you men? Arguing over something as simple as filling your gut. Now we are all going to Dairy Queen. The kids meals are downright adorable.

Kowalski: The kids meals are downright bobkis. Might as well be eating a five dollar bill for all it is worth.

Skipper: Oh for the love of crud. We are going to Taco Gringo.

So after much debate the four penguins decide to go to the old taco joint. They enter and approach the counter.

Skipper: Be alert, team. You never know what can happen in a place that smells of lavender air freshener. There could be poison or a tourist trap, or even day old churros.

They study the menu and decide what they want to order. Basically anything you can think of with an added taco on the end was on that menu.

Skipper: I'll have the bbq and hot sauce taco with extra hot hot sauce. Make it the old fashioned way with fairy spit, and old tire, and a rusty doornail. Also, I wil need some entrails, some dirt, and if you are daring enough then add some Doritos on top. That should do it.

The other three stare, horrified with disgust. Then Kowalski steps up to order. Kowalski isn't going for the disgusting river raft taco and orders the basic burrito mundo gringo taco. Rico points to the wingbat wart taco meal, and Private decides to try out the Terror Taco in a Shell. Don't worry. Besides Skipper's daymare of a greasy hardshell taco the others are not as bad as they sound. They get their old dried out tacos and go sit down.

Private: Skipper, that has to be the grossest taco I have ever seen. Ewww...

The taco is five pounds of repulsive content with hot sauce oozing out onto the tray. It looks like a mini science fair volcano.

Rico: Bleh...

Skipper: Nonsense. It has got to be the cutest taco I have ever seen. What is it going to do? Eat us? Now I am going t um...scope out the bathroom. I have lived long enough to see what can crawl out of a toilet.

(Dark piano music starts playing in the background. Bethoven Symphony #5 would be appropriate.)


	2. Chapter 2: Horror in a Hardshell

Part 2

Private: Not that this taco doesn't look good, but that chunky meatball of hot sauce and soggy taco shell is kind of ruining my appetite.

Kowalski: You said it. That is rather repulsive and nauseating. (gags with disgust)

Suddenly the taco jolts and flops out of the tray, leaving a soggy puddle on the once-clean table.

Private: AH! The taco moved. Did you see that? Skipper's taco flopped onto the table!

Kowalski: That is proposterous. Tacos aren't alive, and they don't walk.

Private: It moved!

Rico hacks up a crowbar.

Private: I don't need to be put out of my misery. I am telling you. It's alive. Where is Skipper?

Kowalski: "Scoping" out the bathroom.

Rico: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (dives under the table)

The taco is growing in size like pumping up a bicycle tire. It is all gross and is squirting greasy slime everywhere. The taco is getting bigger. It is soon the size of the table.

Kowalski: The taco has overcome the surface area of the table. It just doesn't compute.

The penguins are on stake out underneath another table, observing the taco terror with horror.

Private: Let's make a run for the bathroom. Skipper will know what to do.

The taco swelled up to the size of one of those enormous pumpkins that you can sit on, and it is rolling around on the ground. Oh no. It has blocked off the only escape to the bathroom! Now how will the penguins get there?

Kowalski: If we can create a diversion then we could slip by while it is distracted. I suggest we use a flamethrower assault with a 4 by 4 narrow surface coverage. Private, you go with me while Rico takes care of the distraction. Got it?

Rico: Bleh. (holds flamethrower and aims it at the taco. Rico fires a stream of flames at the daranged taco monster, but it is doing no good. It is only burning the piece of meat to a blackened mess. But it is enough to distract it. Kowalski and Private tobaggin for the bathroom.

Suddenly the taco rolls across the floor like an enormous meatball and tries to grab Rico with a meaty arm. The penguin dodges it and makes a run for it.

Kowalski: Oh no! The door is locked! Skipper, help! Monster taco on the loose! Help!

Skipper: Is it really that much of an emergency. Come on, Kowalski. You need to be watching those tacos.

Private: This is an emergency! That taco is trying to eat us!

Skipper: That's a good one, Private. Real funny. Hilarious.

Private: No really! It's coming! AHHHHHH!!!! It has eaten Rico! We're next!

Skipper can't get them to leave. Ok, long story short, there was no scoping out the bathroom, but we will just assume it is safe except for a severly clogged toilet. The door is unlocked and Kowalski and Private fall over eachother in such a panic to escape the mutant taco.

Private and Kowalski together: It's after us! Close the door. It is too late for Rico!

Skipper: Keep it together, soldiers. What is going on? Why are you all blabbering like a bunch of Ricos?

Private: Your taco has grown to the size of a washing machine and it ate Rico. He's gone.

Skipper: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I am sure Rico is around here to put you out of your misery somewhere.

Kowalski: Perhaps you will allow me to confirm Private's observation. There is indeed a man-eating gringo out there, and Rico was digested.

The three of them peek outside and see the taco is coming for the bathroom door.

Skipper: Barricade all the entrances! This is not a drill! Bar the doors, hatch the window, clog the toilets for cabbage sake! Go go go!


	3. Chapter 3: Bathroom Base

The sinks have been successfully clogged with whatever the penguins could find inside of Rico, and the toilets were most certainly clogged with toilet paper. The taco couldn't climb in the sewer now. And as for the door, it was successfully barricaded with bodies for all the penguins minus Rico were piled in front of the door, holding back the pressure put upon it by the great taco terror.

Skipper: Hang on, prairie dogs!

Private(whining): We should have gone to IHop!

Kowalski: What are we going to do? We are trapped in a bathroom and to make it even worse there is a mutant taco breaching our ranks AND to make it worse worse this bathroom is stinking of clogged toilets. We will rot in here like a dead body rotting in the heat and decaying-

Skipper: We don't need grusome details. We need a plan. Kowalski, options. Private, fill me in on every detail. I can take it.

After much thought they have a plan. Master genius Kowalski decided that...No time to finish telling you the plan. The taco just burst in through the door! There is no resistance holding it back and it searches with eyes made of olives for the three remaining penguins. But they aren't there.

Skipper: Now, now, now!

With perfect military fashion the penguins drop fom the ceiling and out the open door. Skipper dives under a table to safety.

Skipper: The plan worked! High fives, men!

Kowalski: Now is not the time for jollity. Where is Private?

Private: AHHHHHH!!!!!

They look out and see Private being swallowed up in the giant taco, disappearing behind two soggy hardshells. For a moment they stay silent to honor the soldier who was devoured right before their eyes.

Kowalski: I can't believe it. Eaten. Gone, just like Rico! Oh the irony!

Skipper: We are getting out of here. That hardshell horror is not going to win this battle.

Kowalski: But it will eat us! What do we do? To create an assault, the odds against us would be extremely high...

Skipper: Keep it together, man. We are getting out of here. I have a new plan.

Kowalski: Elaborate.

Skipper: Yep, we are going to spit in the face of danger. Wait for it....We are going to face the monster head-on! That's right. You heard me. Now here's the plan...

(The camera is slowly moving out from beneath the gum encrusted table so we can't hear the plan. I know how much we all want to know how they get out of this epidemic, but that will have to wait. In action movies they always zoom out when the plan is being said! That ruins the suspense for later!)


	4. Chapter 4: Kowalski Saves the Day

Skipper: Is the dummy ready?

Kowalski: I took advantage of the food I could find under the table, and the gum made an excellent bonding material to hold it together. (proudly shows Skipper two penguin dummies made out of gross taco meat and other stuff, and disgusting pieces of chewed gum.)

Skipper: Outstanding! These will buy us a few precious moments.

The monster meat taco is moving around across the floor, looking around for the two penguin runaways. It is nearing their table. They quickly dive back under the tablecloth before they could be seen. Next Kowalski makes a working sling shot using the excess gum for a stretcher. Ewww....

Kowalksi: Now to put the dummies on the launch pad. Done. Now if I aim the trajectory twenty-eight degrees north I should be able to shoot these to the other side of the Gringo. That should distract the taco long enough for you to corkscrew it back to the um...killer kitchen it came from.

The two penguins engage in high-fiving to celebrate their flawless plan.

Skipper: Comence Operation Taco. Move man, move!

The gum is stretched back and when Kowalski releases it the two dummies go flying, and they are high flying. Uh oh. Skipper and Kowalski gasp with horror when they hit a table in the way and plummet downward instead of flying to the other side of the foodstand. Their french fry mouths remained smiling even when they endured severe crash landing. The taco rushes over to devour them, but that only puts a tobaggin-slide between the Mexican Menace and the two surviving penguins. They will never make it now!

Skipper: Kowalski!

Kowalski: Oops. I aimed the trajectory two degrees lower than the given requirement. AH!

Kowalksi is swiped out from under the table. Skipper leaps forward but is too late and looks out. Kowalski is gone and all that is left is the taco.

Skipper: Noooo! Oh why? Mo-mmy! They are all gone! (Skipper makes a hasty retreat back into the nearest escape, the bathroom and dives in the nearest toilet. But it is clogged with something.)

Skipper: Oh no! dead bodies? Is this what it has come to? Burying the mauled bodies in toilet water in the mens' room? The irony!

Rico: Buttons!

Skipper: Rico, is that you? Are you here to how me the light?

Private: Skipper, you are alive! Kowalski said you were a sure-fire goner.

Skipper: I ain't no goner. You mean Kowalski is here too? I thought you all got eaten.

Rico: Nuh uh.

Private: That wasn't me. That was cousin Nigel.

Kowalski: I started talking and the taco quickly put me down and I ran here.

Skipper: That's it, men! I know how we are going to take down this grusome gringo! We are going to use the scientific method.

Private: But how-

Skipper: Bottom line. Knowledge is the taco's weakness! Meaning, if we bore it out with Kowalski's endless math fact crap then we can defeat it! Kowalski, you are going to teach that taco how to be a nerd!

Kowalski: I am not a nerd. I'm cool! Um...yo, dude. As in yo I am down with that.

Private: Yeah you kind of are.

Skipper: Focus. Skipper's blog: We are sitting in a toilet, there is a mutant taco trying to do away with us, and this bathroom is still out of air freshener and we are abotu to do or die. It is up to Kowalski's nerdiness to save us now.

Kowalski: Gnarley. (starts rapping) mx+b and a pythagoreon theorum and-

Skipper: Let's move!

The penguins abandon the toilet base and tobaggin into hiding while they leave Kowalski out there alone. The taco sees a tasty penguin and picks up Kowalski.

Private: Do what you were born to do, Kowalski!

Kowalski: Now when you take the square root of a dividend on both sides of an algebraic equation, you will get two common factors in which you replace the answers with the variable sin the given equation...

(30 seconds later)

Kowalski: And finally, you can use the greatest common factor to simplify the common terms in the equation...

It worked! The taco shrinks with every boring word and soon shrinks down to the size of a grape.

Skipper: God job! Mission accomplished!

Kowalski: The taco has decreased in size. I mean, it is tiny, yo. Um...keep it tight, right?

Rico(annoyed): Ugh...

Skipper: Just keep tucking your calculator to bed at night, Kowalski.

Private: So, what's for lunch?


End file.
